i’m really feeling a bit imprisoned. by the lockdown, of course, but also by my fixation on losing weight. at the moment it’s the thing i’m thinking about the most. how sad it that? every moment i have the urge to get up and look in the mirror and scrutinize my appearance. i really need something to take me away from these constant thoughts of calories and step counts and scales and comparisons and blah blah blah. for some reason the person i want to be is tied to this image of myself that fits into the bullshit stereotypes of beauty that have penetrated the hearts and minds of this poor populace. i honestly think it’s the reason i’m losing sleep. it’s actually the basis of most ((if not all)) the feelings of discontentment i have with my existence currently. and i have better things to think about to be quite honest! i deserve peace of mind, i deserve to be well rested, i deserve the energy and security to explore worlds and territories not confined to those of skinniness perpetuated by a system run by corporations selling insecurity. i deserve the energy that i claim. i deserve to nurture and cultivate it for me, with love, towards something constructive and worthwhile. i deserve to recognize that beauty and attractiveness transcend all that is physical, and to melt away illusions and perceptions that are not based in truth. i’m telling myself simply not to care, and i’m trying to practice the act of not fixation on my reflection. stopping myself when i notice it. i’m trying to learn to appreciate myself through witnessing my hands as they do things i love for the people i love. to witness my beauty in my thoughts. to see my beauty for what it really is – the way in which i receive and interact with the world. to see beauty in the nature of the universe i witness around me. to realize that my appearance is the most trivial thing about me.