shit’s not always perfect, and there’s never a “right time” to change something or take a leap. the only real form of perfection is the absolute, harsh, beautiful, random anarchy of the universe. there is no control to be had. LET GO!!!
i think a struggle was inevitable after learning so much so fast this year. and struggling is absolutely fine, even necessary. but when it gets to the point where i’m actively hiding from my feelings through constant media consumption, not touching base with myself or allowing myself to acknowledge or feel my feelings, that’s when it goes too far, you know? it’s a cry for help. and when i spend most of my time thinking negatively about myself and actively hindering my enjoyment of my time in this realm, that’s just straight up self-sabotage! i am not ashamed of feeling like this. i am not ashamed of treating myself badly. in the society we live in, that’s what’s expected of you. that’s how capitalism feeds itself. but that’s not me!!! i’m not ashamed of talking to myself negatively – in fact i’m not surprised i do!! because that’s how we’ve all learnt to talk to ourselves. however, i am so thankful to be able to realize what a waste of time and energy it is. and i am so thankful to be able to see that it’s not my fault. i do not blame myself for, or claim the skewed and disoriented view of myself that i’ve grown up with. but i do take responsibility of relearning my true value and unlearning the bullshit that has been fed to me.