today and yesterday’s meditations have given a lot of insight into the workings of my egoic mind. especially today, where i mostly found myself following thought patterns in which i conjured up scenarios or rewrote scenarios from the recent past to make myself look better and more likeable. most of my thoughts were about justifying myself in made up situations or justifying past actions to people who never questioned them in the first place. the mind really is like a radar, constantly scanning for threats, very rarely accepting things as they are. that is the root of why i want to break out of my comfort zone. especially in terms of social safety and acceptance. because all my anxiety is born out of a fear of death, manifesting as a fear of social exclusion, which ironically stops me from getting close to people AND from living a full life. a life in accordance with how i WANT to live. so it’s just nice to be able to witness these thoughts patterns and calmly trace them back to their roots. it’s inevitable that with every moment i become closer to who i’m meant to be and what i’m meant to learn. the next step feels like becoming brave enough to express myself in alignment with what i am learning.